Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
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Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Hell yeah 👍