Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
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Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no