Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
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to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
That’s easy for you to say
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.