sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
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[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff