Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
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Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago