The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
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Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework