50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
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Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Girl, same.