-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
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[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Education is vital
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles