I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
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be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.