Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
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if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.