Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
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I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”