wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
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me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
some things should go without saying
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
I’m ready for Halloween this year