Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
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My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes