FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
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STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED