At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
You Might Also Like
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Okay
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.