I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
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Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Godspeed, John Glenn
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”