The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
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Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920