I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
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[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Breakfast for Stoners:
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.