Software Development ⛵️
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[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Don’t frighten the programmers!
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
$3 #books
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis: