My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
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Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
The first one, obviously
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins