me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
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Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Dudes named Chance never had one.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
damn he’s good
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*