I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
You Might Also Like
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
May have had one breakfast too many
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.