*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
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“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Anyone really
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.