Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
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Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Peter Parker Peter Driver
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Friday night party time 🥳
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”