I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
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I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Good boy 😂😂
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions