If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
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Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much