Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
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a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
This is my bus stop.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.