If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
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“You drive, I’m tired.”
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
You got this…
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us