i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
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Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.