In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
You Might Also Like
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
“you recording!?”
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Schrödinger’s cookie
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.