I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
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I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Legend 🤣🤣
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
The three genders.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)