Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
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me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Me driving through Toronto
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait