There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
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As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Not all heroes wear capes….
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
All is fair in drunk and war.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Worth a try
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this