If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
You Might Also Like
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it