“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
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all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe