just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
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I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Passed by a old school Math example today.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
I have questions??
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”