Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
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Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
adam and eve had first world problems
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?