I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
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I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Encore…
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call