Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
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If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.