Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
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My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Me recordaron éste meme
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.