Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
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So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast