When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
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I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace