Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
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Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Selfie
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.