God has left this place
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“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Sunday
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.