*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
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this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.