her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
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Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.