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[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.