A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
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Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Dance like you’re not the father
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.