If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
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Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
hi why am I like this
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat