[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
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Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*